Finns and Friends #RakeTheForest For Trump’s California Fire Prevention Moment

 

After you’re done laughing out loud, please consider (if you can) helping the displaced people in California who lost loved ones and homes in the wildfires.  Below are links to a few groups. Thank you!

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@StateDept’s Secret ‘Hellz Yeah’ Employee-Led Organizational Revolution Study

Posted: 2:50 pm PT
 

 

A lot has been written about former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson’s “Redesign” initiative at the State Department. What is less known is a parallel project, a purported employee-led organizational revolution study that until this week was not revealed. While the controversial and unpopular “Redesign” boasts over 300 interviews from the potential pool of 25,000 U.S. direct hire employees and over 30,000 survey respondents from a 75,000 global workforce, the “Hellz Yeah” employee-led organizational revolution drew responses from what is said to be 33,300 secret interviews within the organization. The results of those interviews have been under lock and key and, until recently, only a handful of individuals were given access to the consolidated report.

In the chaos following the presidential pink tweet that saw the firing of the 69th secretary of state and the departure of his top lieutenants, a few individuals discovered the secret study in an unlocked vault on the 7th Floor. The following are from our interviews with three employees who were among the first to read the contents of the secret interviews. For obvious reasons, our sources did not want to be identified publicly but they were willing to speak to us on background. They all described the discovery of the secret interviews as shocking. Our sources said “shocking” because they all said that they had never seen a previous study in which employees actively contributed to the retreat or destruction of their own institution under the guise of improving its operation. One source asked, “Who the hell does that?” Another source worry that incoming Secretary Pompey may use this as an excuse for a new top-town restructuring and cultural reorganization of the agency.

 

 

Controversial Proposals

One of the more controversial proposals that previously leaked was the transfer of the visa function from State to DHS.  One respondent reportedly asked, “How is it that Dennis Rodman gets to sit down with Kim Jong Un smoking cigars while I have to interview 120 visa applicants a day for 2-4 years?” Another one said, “I did not sign up to be a visa stamper; I was top of my class and expected to be doing multi-lateral negotiations in Europe after A-100. Instead they sent me to Nigeria. Nigeria!” Yet another respondent said, “What Jared can do, I can do better”, admitting that he did not particularly like consular work as visa applicants not only have spit on him three times through the glass window but have also breast-fed screaming babies multiple times at his interview window.

A majority of those advocating this change pointed out that most new diplomats did not sign up for consular work and questioned why they were not allowed to conduct arms control negotiations or advance our nuclear nonproliferation policy on their first tours. They think that the new era of “America First” in public and foreign policies should also bring a new era in diplomatic hierarchy. One respondent lamented, “The only person who has fun at this post is the ambassador.”  

Dashboard Initiative: KSALs Leaderboard (Knowledge, Skills, Ability, and Loyalty) 

We can report further on the reasons why so many offices have been  left vacant at the upper echelons of the State Department. The secret study reportedly indicates that this, too, was an idea put forward by employees actively engaged in keeping their agency “nimble” and “agile.” The reasoning appears to be that by not appointing Senate-confirmed individuals to these high level positions, the entire agency operation can be controlled from the dashboard in the secretary of state’s office.

A majority of the respondents purportedly suggested that the “S” dashboard be color-coded for efficiency.  Acting assistant secretaries and office directors who speak out of turn in meetings and public appearances are buzzed with a red button, while those with harmless opinions are buzzed with a yellow button, and those with favorable views to everything proposed by the Administration are buzzed with a green button. The buzzes are then tallied weekly. Those with too many red buzzes on their records will be replaced by individuals on the waitlist who are anxious to demonstrate their KSALs to get ahead, that is, knowledge, skills, ability, and loyalty. Those of particular distinction in service and loyalty (e.g. those willing to throw their colleagues and staff members under speeding buses) will be short-listed for creative new positions of great honor and responsibility.

Of particular note in this study is that a significant portion of the respondents proposed the use of Veritaserum, a colorless, odourless potion that is practically indistinguishable from water to ensure that all employees old and new are forced “to answer sincerely and truthfully any question they are presented with.”

One of our three sources told us that the “Dashboard Initiative” envisioned to promote an “agile” and “nimble” organization in Foggy Bottom was beta-tested for several months with notable success but there was unresolved debate on who will have access to the “S” dashboard. Also, questions were raised about how to deploy the initiative to the wider organization, with top aides additionally arguing for the creation of a “leaderboard” to enhance the initiative and with dual-function as a replacement for the now defunct “Secretary’s Sounding Board. “Agile and nimble won’t mean a lot if the effect is not immediate,” one argued.”It should be simple like baseball, three strikes and you’re out,” added  another helpfully.

According to two sources, the secret study indicates that the organizers could not agree on the finer details of the “Dashboard Initiative”. The initial plan reportedly was to send it down to the employees to promote the perception of crowdsourced-decision making while top officials figure out what to do with it; no one has any idea what happens now.

MDSGA Initiative: Make Diplomatic Spouses Great Again

As with the Redesign, a select number of diplomatic spouses were also interviewed. Our second source, an FSO who has been married to the same spouse for twenty-four years expressed shock at the interview results from eligible family members. Fifty-one percent of these interviewees (214 in actual numbers) implored the agency’s leadership to strike down the 1972 Spouse Directive stating that diplomatic spouses are their own persons, and could not be forced to provide free labor for diplomatic missions overseas.

One respondent reportedly complained, “What’s the use of being a senior spouse if you can’t round up junior spouses to help you do the necessary work of supporting the mission overseas?” At least five respondents proposed that the Department bring back the rating system that includes diplomatic spouses in the performance evaluations of employees. “Some spouses are just way too independent, living their own lives away from the mission,” complained one senior spouse. “Junior spouses should be trained to be respectful of the senior spouses, and should be put in tiger teams to support the highest ranking spouses in the mission,” added another.

A majority of respondents apparently also suggested that the agency freeze all available jobs for spouses so women in particular would not have an excuse to work outside the home. The rationale appears to be that the longer the spouses are unable to work, the more they will appreciate not having to work. These respondents were confident that “this will result in more happiness and contentment in the mission.”

“The availability of work to some spouses but not to others leads to envy and discontent,” was one of the study’s conclusion. By removing the available jobs for spouses altogether, according to the summary of the interviews, “There will be less stress, less competition and better quality of life.”

One topic that the respondents proposed that did appear to result in policy change was how the Professional Associates program for spouses are filled. The secret study reportedly indicates that respondents suggested should it become necessary to lift the hiring freeze, Professional Associates jobs in particular should have the highest standards possible in terms of experience and educational experience.

The interviewers asked if this would not make it harder for diplomatic spouses to fill these professional jobs and 50.9% of respondents declared that while that might be the case, they think that this would make the organizational more “nimble” and “stronger.” “I may not actually qualify for these jobs under the proposed new standards” one respondent said without blinking an eye,“but I totally support the secretary’s and his aides efforts to professionalize the spouses’ jobs,” she added. When the interviewer pointed out that the job requirements are more stringent than the requirements for officers and specialists, one spouse dismissed the matter. “We want the very best of the best, even spouses, why is that so difficult to understand?”

Gamespot Initiative: Rewards and Promotions

All three sources told us that the most controversial idea to come out of the ‘Hellz Yeah’ secret study has the potential to “disrupt” the career services. The summary of the study indicates that majority of the employees think that the current rewards and promotion systems are faulty and are easily influenced or manipulated “by correct grammar” and “charming but exhausting narratives.” 

Apparently, the secret study’s main suggestion was to transition the entire agency into a point system for rewards and promotions; reward points for management issues, and promotion points for policy issues. For instance, higher reward points would earn employees better housing, better schools for dependents, improved health benefits, retirement benefits for spouses and travel arrangements that exempt them from “Fly America” and allow for better travel connections, best air carriers, and exceptional hotel and pet accommodations.

Similarly, higher promotion points over policy matters would earn employees progressively senior positions, the best housing in the embassy pool, larger offices with windows, newer furniture, up to $5,000 in decoration expense, Internet download privileges, personalized stationery, pens, and water bottles, and most importantly for those assigned overseas, armed official chauffeurs who already passed the Armored Vehicle Driver Training.

A focus group of carefully selected employees produced some intense discussions about how employees  can earn points, how many points are required to “level up”, and what time frame might be required to “boot out” deadwood employes who are not actively earning reward and promotion points. One respondent said, “If they’re not in the game, they should be out!”

A few respondents also wanted to know — if a senior bureau official says “I’ve succeeded in ousting five detailees from my office prior to the secretary’s arrival” — should reward points be higher if the ousted detailees were in the middle of their assignments, than if they were at the end of their detail? What if an employee is able to provide a list of the former administration’s “holdovers”?  The respondents wanted to know what number would be enough to merit a level up for a corner office or a house with a gazebo and a jacuzzi? What if an employee is able to provide proof through secret social media posts that his colleagues “are not fully on board” with the Administration’s agenda? The respondents wanted confirmation that reward points are higher for Facebook posts than Twitter or Instagram posts.

Under this controversial employee-led proposal, diplomatic officials who get out of their comfort zone to publicly support pre-emptive strikes against XYZ countries or invade ABC countries for their oil will always get the highest promotion points. Officials who appear in government-run radio and television programs get extra promotion points. Employees with at least 2K social media followers and who actively amplify official messages from the Voice of American Truth in their private capacities also get extra promotion points.

We are interested in tracking down the organizers of this employee-led organizational revolution study, as well as identifying potential commonalities between the “Hellz Yeah” study and other recent blue ribbon studies and surveys previously conducted. We’ve formally requested the 5,000-page study and its associated raw data. As of today, April 1, we have not heard from any of our 7th Floor contacts. We understand that Easter Sunday and April Fools’ Day festivities may be keeping them occupied. We will do a follow-up post if/when we hear from their April 1 Task Force.

 

Sam Bee’s Rescue Farm for Government Workers With Ex-FSO Elizabeth Shackelford

Posted: 12:14 am ET

 

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Related post:

A Foreign Service Officer’s Parting Shot Gets Media Attention

 


@TheOnion Exclusive: Secretary Tillerson Having a Blast in Foggy Bottom

Posted: 1:21 am ET

 

Remember The Many Adventures of Secretary of State John Kerry (2013-2017) via The Onion?  Several months after he took office, Secretary Tillerson also got The Onion treatment (see here, here, and here)  But the latest update has the potential to make our top diplomat go viral. Given the 7th Floor’s legendary lack of humor, IMOs may soon get an IMMEDIATE instruction to keep Foggy Bottom’s eyeballs away. Hurrrry! Read it here before the Bureau of Public Affairs asks The Onion to take it down!

“Leaping out from behind a wall as Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll” blared from the building’s intercom, a pantless Secretary of State Rex Tillerson slid across the waxed marble floors of the completely empty State Department, sources confirmed Wednesday.”

Bob Seger! The Onion really outdid itself with that music; too bad there’s no YouTube video! We heard that we may have to wait a while for the Gobi Desert, or the Isle of Embers adventures because he’s busy with his passion project.

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@StateDept Gets a New Automated Milkshake Machine and Twitter People Have Feelings

Posted: 2:25 am ET

 

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The Wicked Wasabi: Foreign Ministry Warns of Secret Messages in Cables

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A Holiday Wish to the Hundreds of DS Agents Without a “Handshake” This Bidding Season

Posted: 2:09 am ET
[twitter-follow screen_name=’Diplopundit’ ]

 

This Burn Bag was sent to us “as a holiday wish to the hundreds of DS agents still without even an handshake this bidding season and to their families who are also waiting.”  As requested, we’ve considered the following and are publishing the entire post in the sender’s hope that it might bring a little smile to those still waiting for their assignments.  Well, a little smile and as Mr. Google says in his imperfect Italian, maybe “accendere un fuoco sotto il sedere di qualcuno” … 

 

A Visit from the Saint “No Word Yet”

‘Twas just days before Christmas and all through the house,
Frustration was building for the DS spouse.
Bids had been entered in FSBid with great care,
In the hopes that DS would do its fair share;
The DS spouse wonders just what is in store,
for their beloved agent – alone – in Lahore.

October 31st, it came and it went,
But for DS agents few handshakes were sent.
When asks the spouse, oh when will we know?
Will it be Paris, Bangui, or Toronto?
Maybe a Field Office, far from DC.
Or perhaps a year or two with MSD.

Spouses query one another with fear and despair,
It really seams as if DS Does.Not.Care.
On November 4 and December 1, jobs are assigned one-by-one.
In hushed voices agents questions those around,
To what office or mission will I be bound?
Will it be the same as my tandem spouse?

We did all the legwork for the six posts that work,
For a DS spouse needing political work.
My GSO wife or my Management hubby,
Would be extremely happy in Abu Dhabi!
To the top of the list, will my name they call?
Will we know where were going, long before fall?

Uncertainty swirls as the days tick by,
The DS spouse lets out a great cry!
How will we get the kids into school,
If we do not know we’re going to Banjul?
Maybe its time to let this ship go.
Can’t you jump ship to be a U.S. Marshall, too?

The uncertainty for the DS spouse is a constant refrain,
The long hours, TDYs and standing in the rain.
The worry at home when the dear agents abroad,
Protecting our missions, our livelihood, our jobs
But alas, we play this game each and every year,
Just waiting and waiting, and waiting to hear.

By the time all is set and the last chess move is made
Someone will have gone through many a tirade.
That job is gone, and that one, too, what is the DS agent to do?
A now post or the third PSP – isn’t it time for something new?
The powers that be, simply do not see
Just what a drag this process can be.

The black hole of bidding in the hands of a few,
Determine the destiny with nary a clue,
Of what this does to house and home,
When the prices drags on they’re drafting a tome.
Over half of the cohort still waiting to know,
Would there, could there be a miracle?

On Christmas eve with a visit from St. Nick,
Will they let us know they’ve gotten on the stick?

A Christmas dream or a Christmas wish,
Waiting for a handshake, oh the suspense!
The call hasn’t come and the spouse is a fright,
As the DS agent again goes off in the night,
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
This systems gotta change, cause it just isn’t right!

katnispeeta

 

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Mark Toner’s Last Briefing Before Vacation: We Can’t Stop Watching!

Posted: 4:40 am ET
[twitter-follow screen_name=’Diplopundit’ ]

 

We’re guessing the State Department’s deputy spox was already thinking of vacation when he did his briefing on Thursday.  Still he was not on the beach yet, but on the podium when this happened.

Transcript via DPB, August 4, 2016:

MR TONER: Hi guys. Happy Thursday.
QUESTION: Thank you.
MR TONER: And what makes it even more special is it’s a Thursday in August, which means tomorrow – everybody want to join with me?
QUESTION: No briefing —
MR TONER: True to our tradition, there will be – thank you, Matt – no briefing.
QUESTION: There will be one.
MR TONER: What was that, Said?
QUESTION: There will be a briefing. An old one.
MR TONER: An old briefing. (Laughter.) Anyway, welcome to the State Department. I think we have some interns in the back. Welcome. Good to see you in this exercise in transparency in democracy. (Laughter.)
QUESTION: Is that what it is? (Laughter.) I thought it was a —
MR TONER: Sorry, I didn’t mean to break out in laughter. (Laughter.)
QUESTION: I thought it was an exercise in spin and obfuscation.
MR TONER: All right. Can you tell this is my last briefing before vacation?

Folks, he needs that vacation, so give him a break, hookay?

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OPM Announces Operating Status Ahead of Snowmageddon, Look Who Got Upset at No Snow Day!

Posted: 2:55 am EDT
Updated: 1/27/16 at 4:53 pm, swapped tweet with YouTube link due to missing plugin.
[twitter-follow screen_name=’Diplopundit’ ]

Via OPM:

Federal agencies in the Washington, DC area are OPEN and employees have the OPTION for UNSCHEDULED LEAVE OR UNSCHEDULED TELEWORK. Employees, who report to their worksite, should depart 4 hours earlier than their normal departure time, but NO LATER THAN 12:00 PM, at which time FEDERAL OFFICES in the Washington, DC area are CLOSED.

The video below by Gumburcules uploaded on January 21, is based on the movie Downfall.  So the Capital Weather Gang apparently lied again!! 43,365 hits and counting and this will now join the ranks of Hitler Rant Parodies on YouTube (yes, it’s a thing). The Washington City paper says that the video was created on a lunch break by thirty-year-old federal worker and D.C. native Andrew Huber.

 

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