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Secretary of State Tony Blinken was confirmed the 71st Secretary of State on January 26, 2021. If our counting fingers are correct, today is his 100th day anniversary. If not, well, we got some GIFs anyway for the anti-swagger secretary of state.
—1. The 71st Secretary of State did not cause an international embarrassment by using #swagger in his hashtag diplomacy. Employees here and abroad did not have to work under that witlessly desperate Department of Swagger seal. We have it in good authority that performance evaluations will not/will not suffer for lack of …. what’s that? Gotcha! Will not suffer for lack of excessive flamboyant swaggering.
—2. He has not/not challenged female reporters to find Ukraine or any other country on an unlabeled world map following any interview. Why? Because he has a solid sense of self-control, a work requirement for a top diplomat. We do not expect him to lose his temper either before any reporter although he may serenade them.
—3. He has not removed a reporter from the secretary of state’s upcoming trip because the reporter’s co-worker asked awesome but unwelcome questions. We have it from exceptional authority that “Petty” is not his secret security code name.
—4. S did not end up visiting North Korea during his first 100 days but if/when he ends up visiting the “hermit kingdom,” we expect reporters will not to get banned from the secretary of state’s plane for reporting about the top diplomat’s food choices. How do we know this? See #3.
—5. Given his prior performance, we predict that he will have the good sense not to smile for a photo-op if he must meet, as his job requires, with a foreign leader responsible for the dismembering of another human being. No smiling, period!
—6. He has not/not started an infrastructure project to build bridges with wealthy donors and patrons for a future political campaign. Our very helpful source indicate that no infrastructure project of this kind is on the Secretary’s project list for his entire tenure.
—7. He has not uttered self-serving mush like, “I’m flattered when people say Tony will be a good United States senator representing New York.” Fantastic! So we don’t have to play that silly ‘he’s running/he’s not running’ game.
—8. He has not made “staff recruitment” trips to battleground states, unlike his predecessor, so that’s good! On the other hand, his Press Office in Foggy Bottom has an email chewing doggie for questions they do not like. Just like his two predecessor! So, that’s not/not good!
—9. He has not/not assigned a Senior Advisor to handle important taskers such as picking up stuff, taking care of dogs, making salon appointments, planning events unrelated to the official mission, etc. etc. A source informed us that unlike in the immediate past, no DS agents have been sent to restaurants wearing brown paper bags over their heads to request waiving $8 plating fees for bringing in outside food.
–10. The 71st Secretary of State has not/not announced that he is trying to achieve good diplomatic outcomes for the people of New York, his home state, even if it is the 4th most populous state in the country. He is not thirsting to become the next senator from New York or the next President from New York while doing his day job as Secretary of State. And that’s a very good thing.
