Secretary (speaking in his personal capacity):

To conduct in-chicken campaign on the other side. Nowhere is chicken freedom under assault more than it is inside of Gyyyyyna today; that state works day and night to scratch out and snuff out the lights of chickens everywhere on a horrifying scale.

Special Assistant to the ‘Force Multiplier’:

The chicken is worried about asking others for personal things.

Very Senior Advisor:

To deny accusations of covering-up for a possibly radioactive chicken and avoid a congressional subpoena.

Under Secretary: 

To manage all cluck and scope of all chicken-related investigations.  

Assistant Secretary:

The chicken crossed the road so as not/not to comply with depositions demanded of the gallinaceous tribe.

Staff Assistant:

The chicken crossed the road to find a personal lawyer and comply with deposition requests.

Ambassador to Agonistan:

So the chicken can get confirmed as quickly as possible, get to post with three suitcases, and preen for three months.

Special Envoy: 

The chicken statute allows us to scratch the necessary designations that we need to to protect the fowls’ security interests while at the same time not impeding our crispy diplomacy.

Ethics Officer:

The chicken crossed the road to avoid puking on the FAM which prohibits subjects from implying that a donor will receive any advantage or preference as a result of the donation, including a commitment to invite the donor to official functions, or an assurance that the donor will have preferential access to official facilities or persons.

Legal Officer:

The chicken crossed the road to obtain the necessary experience, then try to circumvent Congress on the sale of billions of American-made weapons in an air war that killed thousands of civilians.

Data Advisor:

To intelligently leverage data as a strategic asset, the chicken crossed the road to transform data into bold insights about chicken agility and flexibility in the field. 

Health Advisor:

So the chicken can use trusted sources for information and updates on COVID-19 and did not have to listen to a $250M propaganda to “defeat despair and inspire hope” about the pandemic.

Inspector General:

To continue the scratch and cluck of all ongoing investigations without interference. 

Acting Inspector General:

The chicken crossed the road to avoid a range of potential conflict of interest issues.

Acting Inspector General #2:

To make way for another acting inspector general who needs scratch and cluck training. 

Also Acting Inspector General:

The chicken crossed the road to inspect who cluck-clucked about the coronavirus town hall to that blog. 

 

Related post:

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? The Must-Read Embassy Edition