Rachel Schneller | PTSD: The Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect those of the U.S. Department of State or the U.S. Government.  Read more about Rachel here ~ DS

PTSD: The Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me

by Rachel Schneller

PTSD felt like the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I came back from Iraq in 2006 feeling damaged, like the FedEx package in the movie Cast Away that arrived at its final destination beaten up beyond almost all recognition. I didn’t know I had PTSD, I just knew that something was wrong. Everything and everyone felt like a threat. Everything made me angry and want to fight. I oscillated between sheer rage and numbness, because feeling angry all the time left me exhausted. But I couldn’t sleep much, which also made me angry.

Photo from Private Collection (used with permission)

If I had not sought out treatment for PTSD, I believe I would have wound up dead, in prison, or homeless and unemployed, carrying a sign on a street corner somewhere raging against the world. Best case scenario, I would have managed to continue to somehow drag my bitter mess of a self to work each day, where I would have made the lives of everyone around me absolutely miserable.

Don’t get me wrong, there were parts about being completely lost in my traumatized self I enjoyed. The rage and anger resulting from my experience in Iraq made me feel more alive than I had ever felt before. I was completely focused and driven and could work insane hours at high intensity like a superhero. Everyone around me seemed slow and crippled by worry, whereas I felt no pain and absolutely no fear (I also felt no joy).

After six years of rigorous treatment for PTSD, I feel now like I am both healed enough to engage with the rest of the world in a healthy way, and still aware that I went through a life-altering experience that left a permanent mark on me. I am bilingual and bicultural in PTSD. And honestly, I would not have it any other way. My service in Iraq was important and one of the most meaningful periods of my entire life. My experience with PTSD has made me more sensitive and compassionate toward other people. My treatment for PTSD helped me grow into a better person than I ever could have become without Iraq and without PTSD.

My bottom-line message on PTSD is to get treatment.  To get treatment, you need a diagnosis.  To get both the diagnosis and the treatment, you need to see a professional.  You should do all these things because they will make you a better person.  Be brave and undeterred in your mission.  Since speaking out on PTSD several years ago, I have been approached by numerous people who are suffering symptoms of PTSD and ask for advice on what to do.  I tell them all the same thing: get treatment.  Some worry that seeking treatment might impact their careers or families.  What I always say is that untreated PTSD is much more likely to ruin your career or family than seeking treatment.  Some worry about stigma attached to a diagnosis, or that they will be limited in overseas assignments.  My response is: don’t worry about things outside of your control, such as what other people think and where you might be in a year or two.  Shift your attention to the here-and-now and do what needs to be done today.

I would love to design a compassionate, comprehensive program for people with PTSD.  I daydream about doing this, where several years ago my thoughts reverted back to helicopters, rocket attacks, and endless expanses of concrete barriers.  My ability to focus has been honed through years of yoga and meditation, practices I found particularly helpful in my treatment of PTSD.  I still feel no fear, and still have limitless energy to fight for the things that are important to me.  But now I also feel joy.  And finding joy and beauty in life after surviving a horrific event is to experience joy and beauty in a deeper, more meaningful way than ever would have been possible before.  Although I could not see it at the time, PTSD was the best thing that ever happened to me.

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