Bolivia Seizes Suspicious Weapons From US Embassy Vehicle, Claims Unauthorized Test of Alien Technology

On early Saturday, members of Bolivia’s Mobile Rural Patrol Unit seized a Nissan Trail X car, with a diplomatic plate 27-MI-30 which belong to the US Embassy in Bolivia.  Local authorities informed the media that the vehicle was transporting U.S.-made 12-mm Remington shotguns, a .38 Smith & Wesson special revolver, five boxes with 2,350 .38 rounds of ammunition and other suspicious weapons which include two flashbang bra holsters, and what appears to be one weapon similar in appearance to an AMR-B21 Arc Generator, also known as Mulcher, an extraterrestrial weapon shown in District 9.

Photo from Flashbang Women's Holster

AMR-B21 Arc Generator

The US Embassy said in a brief statement that it has an agreement with the GOB to transport weapons to protect its facilities.  It denies the existence of suspicious weapons testing alien technology. It also reiterates that it is working with the Government of Bolivia to resolve this issue expeditiously and avoid further escalation of an already rocky relationship.

Interior Minister Carlos Romero said that it is weird that the Embassy, which claimed to have authorization from the police, does that kind of transaction at dawn. “We want to inform that no agreement has been processed by the Bolivian government, which has empowered the Foreign Ministry to generate this kind of accord,” Romero said in a joint press conference with Defense Minister Ruben Saavedra.

An unnamed witness who was using an open air toilet at dawn has come forward to inform authorities of what he saw the morning before the vehicle was seized by police. Confidential police sources indicate that the witness is still in shocked from the incident. Apparently, the witness could not stop talking about the embassy vehicle suddenly turning into a cow, and then back again into a vehicle and again into a cow.  He told the police that he fainted in fear.   The Bolivian Police  who has also impounded the embassy vehicle is reportedly considering the possibility that the vehicle is equipped with an invisibility cloak that makes it appear like a cow. Farmers are now afraid to milk their cows.  The Bolivian Government is recommending that milking cows be suspended until further notice.  As for the rest of the suspicious weapons seized, sources are mum as police and top scientists have yet to find the weapon switch.

Meanwhile, Bolivian President Evo Morales who is in constant communication with the ongoing investigation has stern warnings for the Americans:

“If the US embassy continues bothering Bolivia and our cows, as it is doing now, and if it continues to export alien technologies that we do not understand, then it is best we close the United States embassy in Bolivia because we are anti-imperialist, anti-capitalist, anti-neoliberals and anti-alien technology.  Yanqui go home! We do not want you testing your ray guns here or bothering our cows.”

Reporting from La Paz

Domani Spero

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4 responses

  1. I’m certain that when the U.S. govt has perfected its cow-cloaking ray, they’ll be testing it in . . . Bolivia. Because it makes perfect sense to develop extraordinary, multi-million dollar, never-before-heard-of technology and use it in . . . Bolivia . . for the sole purpose of . . . bothering cows. Still laughing so hard I am in physical pain.

    • Of course, where else? I’m glad you enjoyed it, Traci. My bar for April Fool’s is still the Democracy Center’s Daylight Savings Time and President Morales. I may have to start writing next year’s gag soon!