Image via WikipediaWe have recently received a very lucrative offer from Iraq; we feel the need to share it with you, because — well, why not?:
My name is [redacted], a US citizen, presently serving in Mosul,Iraq.I have a very urgent need for assistance, I will disclose and provide adequate proof of my identity,and also explain how I got your contact,but I must have some assurances that you will not use such delicate information against me.
I feel quite safe reaching you through this medium,although it has`been greatly abused, it still remains one of the fastest and cheapest means of communication, this is also apart from the fact that I have very restricted access to other means of communication.
However, this correspondence is unofficial and should be treated as such.I have to urgently move some money out of here to a safe country as soon as i can have some assistance, and I have discovered a secure way of doing so, I will explain the source of money to you when I am convinced that you sincerely want to work with me, but I assure you of your safety as far as this project is concerned.
Concealing this money here has been a big problem/source of distraction to me, what I require from you now is the assurance that you will honor my conditions, mostly as regards taking care of my share until I complete my service here, and preserving all information relating to this.I am offering you Six million dollars ($6,000,000) for your prospective role, but should you have reasons to reject this offer, please destroy this mail as any leakage will be too bad for us. I will continue with the details when you signify your intention to work with me.
Cheapest medium? Cheapskate, but he sounds almost reasonable, doesn’t he? We were not told how much is the total amount that is keeping him distracted over there in the sands. We sure could use the money to fund our coffee addiction, keep this blog going or buy paint to wash over the old bathroom (oh, also buy a new mansion to accommodate thousand pounds of books and junk), but we are terribly worried that this distraction could get this poor sod killed over there. And then who would they come after? See the problem? Or if they won’t get us, Mr. IRS for sure would like to know where all that coffee money came from …. so we had to write back and decline the offer:
Thank you Mr. US Citizen in Mosul, Iraq for the kind offer of sharing your wonderful bounty. We have a couple of reasons to reject this offer, but we guess that our Uncle Sam who is going broke gambling over Iraq (and yada, yada, yada) may be happy to entertain your proposal. Uncle Sam ‘s folks (very nice folks, indeed) would be most interested in chatting with you about this delicate money project. They have an extensive, and reliable operation, please contact any of them here to help you. They are standing ready to help.