Posted: 3:15 am EDT
In February, we did an excerpt of Matthew Palmer’s book, The American Mission (see Move Over Jason Bourne! Meet Diplomat Alex Baines, Our New Favorite Fictional Hero). He’s back with a new book Secrets of State and a new protagonist, former FSO Sam Trainor.
The new book is dedicated to Matthew’s late father, Michael Palmer, MD, the author of Miracle Cure, Critical Judgment, Silent Treatment, Natural Causes, Extreme Measures, Flashback, Side Effects, and The Sisterhood, to name a few. Michael Palmer’s books have been translated into thirty languages. The 1991 thriller Extreme Measures starring Hugh Grant, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Gene Hackman is based on his novel of the same name.
by Matthew Palmer
G.P. Putnam’s Sons
Publication date: May 26, 2015
Hardcover ISBN: 978-0-399-165719
eBook ISBN: 978-1-101-626375
Here is a brief clip from his publishing house:
After many years, Sam Trainor has left his Foreign Service job, trading his place as a South Asia analyst for the U.S. government for the same desk at Argus Security, a Beltway Bandit consulting firm. The reason for the move is simple: bypassed for promotion, Trainor, brilliant but a bit unbridled, knew his government career was dead in the water. Though none to comfortable with the reality that consultants have taken over far too much power in the running of the government, he sees the writing on the wall. And why not do the same work for twice the pay?
But working for Argus is different in ways that have nothing to do with salary. No longer sworn to uphold the constitution of the United States, Trainor now answers to corporate masters. So his options are less straightforward when he stumbles upon some Intel that points to a plan to upend the tenuous balance between India and Pakistan. Complicating things, one of the participants in the intercepted phone conversation is Vanalika Chandra, political counselor at the Indian Embassy in Washington—and, not incidentally, Trainor’s adulterous lover. For the veteran analyst, nothing about this sits right.
As Trainor and his team dig deeper for the source of this dangerous misinformation, it quickly becomes apparent that, left unchecked, it could lead to nuclear war. As the riveting plot unfolds—from the Beltway and the Pentagon to Mumbai and Lahore—Trainor will come to the troubling conclusion that his employer’s involvement—and motives—may not align with his own hard won view of the way the global politics should be conducted. And as the clock ticks, he must suss out a truth that will prevent the world from changing forever.
Matthew Palmer is a twenty-year veteran of the U.S. Foreign Service, currently serving as the Director of Multilateral Affairs in the State Department’s Bureau of Asian and Pacific Affairs. A life member of the Council on Foreign Relations, he has worked as a diplomat around the world. While on the Secretary of State’s Policy Planning Staff, Palmer helped design and implement the Kimberley Process for certifying African diamonds as “conflict free,” expertise he drew on in writing his debut novel, The American Mission.
His third book already has a title — The Wolf of Sarajevo. It is set in the Balkans where he spent a good chunk of his Foreign Service career.
Posted: 1:32 am EDT
Rashmee Roshan Lall started with The Times of India newspaper in Delhi, made a brief foray into publishing as editor of Rupa and HarperCollins India, and then took up broadcasting with the BBC World Service in London. She presented ‘The World Today’, BBC World Service’s flagship news and current affairs program. She was subsequently The Times of India’s Foreign Editor based in London, reporting on Europe. Till June 2011, she was editor of The Sunday Times of India. A Foreign Service spouse, she previously spent a year in Kabul, Afghanistan, working for the US Embassy’s Public Affairs Section. She also spent six months in Washington, D.C., reporting on the 2012 American presidential election. Visit her website at www.rashmee.com.
The Pomegranate Peace is a work of fiction. The author of that dark dramedy on Iraq clearly see this book as art imitating life. Five million dollars in U.S. taxpayer money, handed over to an Afghani-Canadian contractor resident in Vancouver to grow pomegranates instead of poppy? Check. Peter Van Buren writes that “one could retitle Pomegranate Peace as We Meant Well, Too and not be too far off the mark.” And we have to agree. The excerpt below is Chapter 11 of the book; we imagine this is how you brand a country — with a PR flak, lots of money and a small shot glass topped with magic and imagination. Read more via Amazon, HuffPo, the Good Book Corner. Thanks to Rashmee, Piers and Arcadia Books for permission to share the following excerpt with our readers.
Reprinted from The Pomegranate Peace by Rashmee Roshan Lall by arrangement with Arcadia Books Limited. Copyright © 2013 Rashmee Roshan Lall. Available as an ebook from any ebook platform.
* * *
Mr Khayber Ahmad, veteran of regime change, was not the only one thinking ahead to yet another transition. Over at the embassy, we were obsessed with plans for departure. Our president had set a date, or at least the year: 2014. We had 700 days to shape up and ship out. I was on the Transition Planning Team (Small), otherwise known as TPTS, or Tippets if you wanted to run everything together because you had run out of time, or patience, or the desire to be accurate.
Tippets was born of Tipple, the Transition Planning Team (Large) or TPL. The smaller group had a hundred people; the large was twice as big. Tippets was supposed to think, plan, do (TPD). That is how ‘Campaign Afghanistan’ began. Out of two acronyms and a string of alphabets. I was there. I saw it come into existence. I watched it take shape and I was present when it was launched.
It took a little while for Campaign Afghanistan to become the new standard for management courses taught at American universities. But it happened because of Sam Starkowsky’s excellent and highly readable book, The Donkey in the Dark. The book became a bestseller and Little Sam was anointed the world’s favourite management guru. But at the time, no one could have imagined that Little Sam would turn the 30-million-dollar ‘Campaign’ into the American version of Rumi’s 700-year-old story ‘The Elephant in the Dark’. And a solid business theory to boot, one which is routinely cited as the essential philosophy of creative problem-solving.
Everyone now knows the way in which Professor Starkowsky reprised Rumi. The original had a group of men touching an elephant in a dark room and offering wildly differing reports on the creature. The one who touched the trunk said it had to be a hosepipe; the man who felt the beast’s ear thought it was surely a fan; the third ran his hand over the animal’s leg and pronounced it a pillar and the fourth caressed the elephant’s wide back and decided it was a throne. Just as Rumi used the story to illustrate the limits of individual perception, Little Sam’s modern fable about a dozen Americans and a donkey underlined the importance of seeing the whole, not just parts of a problem. I have to hand it to Little Sam. I never knew he had it in him. He seems to have been the only one at a Tippets meeting to see the big picture.
It seemed such a good idea at the start even though the memo that set it off was the usual bureaucratese:
Agenda for TPTS:
TPD for APA – Sustainability. Selling Afghanistan to tourists, businessmen, the world.
To decode, this meant that the Transition Planning Team (Small)’s Think, Plan, Do strategy for Afghanistan-Post-America was all about selling the country as a brand.
As a former journalist, I was on the Tippets Working Group, which was smaller – just 25 people. We spent a whole day talking ‘Afghanistan, the idea’. Much of the time we debated the images that come to mind when the name Afghanistan is said out loud. Mountains, brave men, weapons, war, beautiful but benighted women. What, if any of that, to sell? Could it be sold at all?
Opinion on the working group was mixed. Little Sam thought that anything could be sold. Anecdotally, even refrigerators to Eskimos.
‘And in the real world, plots of land on the moon are sold,’ he said gravely. ‘And what about the promise of hundreds of thousands of dollars if you send a check for a mere ten bucks to a certain address? Dreams can be sold,’ he added persuasively, ‘though sometimes they might be dud.’
Matthew Palmer is a twenty-seven year veteran of the U.S. Foreign Service. He served as Political Counselor at the U.S. Embassy in Belgrade from 2011-2014. Last year, he became the Director for Multilateral Affairs in the Bureau of East Asian and Pacific Affairs at the State Department. The American Mission is his first novel. It is a thriller set in the Democratic Republic of Congo featuring American diplomat Alex Baines as the protagonist. The American Mission is the first in a series of novels focused on American diplomacy that will be published by Putnam, an imprint of Penguin Random House. This is first-rate, can’t put down fiction. Bought the book one day, and gobbled it up to the end in two days! The excerpt below selected by Putnam is the only section of the book that’s set in the consular section. The rest of the story is about Africa, minerals and exploitation by big corporations (there goes your economic statecraft). Oh, there is an ambassador, corrupted, and an OGA guy with tricks, and a love interest. All for a fictional run that would make into a fantastic movie. Read the Goodreads review here, from Kirkus here, from Rhapsody in Books here and the rest of media reviews here. Thanks to Matt, and Ashley (Putnam) for allowing us to share this excerpt with our readers!
Reprinted from The American Mission by Matthew Palmer by arrangement with G. P. Putnam’s Sons, a member of Penguin Group (USA) LLC, Copyright © 2014 by Matthew Palmer.
JUNE 12, 2009
Check this one out. Twenty—two years old. Absolutely stunning. Says she wants to go to Disney World, but she has a one—way ticket to New York. Why do they always say that they’re going to Disney World? You’d think they’d just won the Super Bowl or something.”
Hamilton Scott, Alex’s partner on the visa line at the U.S. Embassy in Conakry, Guinea, leaned around the narrow partition that separated their interview booths, dangling an application for a tourist visa. The woman in the visa photo clipped to the upper corner bore a striking resemblance to the supermodel Naomi Campbell.
It was admittedly unprofessional, but Alex understood what Ham was doing. Visa—line work could be excruciatingly monotonous, and in a third—world hellhole like Conakry, the applicants would say or do just about anything to gain entrance to the United States. The vice consuls often resorted to black humor or informal games like Visa Applicant Bingo as a way to keep themselves sane.
“Do you think she’d sleep with me for a visa?” Ham asked with mock seriousness.
“Twenty—two? Isn’t she a little old for you, Ham?”
“Ordinarily, yes. But this girl’s exceptional. And there’s no way she qualifies as a tourist.”
“Qualify” was a kind of code word in visa work. The law said that anyone applying for a visa to the United States had to prove that he or she was not secretly intending to emigrate. The challenge for the applicants was demonstrating that they had strong and compelling reasons to come back after visiting the U.S. In practice, this meant money. Rich people were “qualified” for visas. Poor people struggled to overcome the supposition that they were economic migrants. In the euphemistic language of government, they were “unqualified.”
Ham turned back to the applicant and explained to Ms. Hadja Malabo that, sadly, she lacked the qualifications for an American visa and should consider reapplying when her “situation” had changed. Ham’s French was ﬂawless, a consequence of four years at a boarding school in Switzerland. He was polite but, Alex thought, somewhat brusque in rejecting Ms. Malabo’s application.
Ham leaned back around the partition.
“I’m almost through my stack, only four or five left. How you doing?”
Alex looked at the pile of application packages still in front of him. There were at least twenty left. He and Ham were the only two interviewing officers at post, which meant about fifty nonimmigrant visa interviews a day for each of them. Ham made his decisions with a brutal efficiency. Alex took more time with each applicant. Most would come away empty—handed, but he wanted to give each person who came into his interview booth the sense that they had had a chance to make their case and that the consul had at least given them a fair shot. For most Guineans, their brief moment with a consular officer was as close as they were going to get to the United States.
“I still have a few to go,” Alex admitted.
“Give me some of yours.” Ham reached over and took nearly half of the stack out of Alex’s in—box. “If we can finish in less than an hour, we can grab a sandwich and a beer at Harry’s bar. My treat. Gotta meet with the Ambassador after lunch to talk over the report on human trafficking I did for him last week.” Ham paused for a moment. “I’m sorry, Alex,” he said carefully. “You know I don’t mean to rub that in.”
◉ By Domani Spero
According to the preview of the play via DC Metro Theater Arts:
Madam Ambassador is different. It is a satire, which focuses on the bizarre way the United States chooses it top diplomats. The problem, of course, is that many Americans don’t even know that we have diplomats, much less have any idea what they do. Foreign affairs?–armed forces handle that, don’t they? Alas, they do, more and more, partially because of the ridiculous system lampooned in this play.
After a reading in England, a sophisticated Cambridge audience enjoyed it immensely, but, interestingly, they said again and again—do you actually pick ambassadors like that? The answer, of course, is yes– the ones in the nice posts anyway.
Carolyn Kelemen reviewing the play writes:
“Part Ann Richards, Madeline Albright, and, perhaps, Pamela Harriman – if they were Republican – Magno captures the feistiness of all three world leaders plus a little bit of Margaret Thatcher with her crisp English pronouncement, “I will buy my way if I have to!” Sound familiar?
As a retired diplomat and historian, Playwright Duke Ryan is savvy to the plots of international diplomacy, and his humor in dealing with these issues comes off clear and direct. “When you are in public service you have to think of money,” the appointed Danish ambassador proclaims to Buzz, about to stir up more trouble.
WaPo writes that this play is probably terribly funny to FS folks and that when the actors find their feet, maybe the non-FS audience may find it really funny, too:
“Madam Ambassador,” a satire about diplomats written by former diplomat Duke Ryan, is probably really funny to people who have worked in the foreign service. To the rest of us, it’s a slightly clunky story about a bored wealthy woman (Patsy Magno) who buys herself an ambassadorship to Copenhagen and then has to play some dirty politics in order to . . . well, it’s not entirely clear.
The show drags because the actors often seem to have trouble remembering their lines, and in at least one case an actor is still surreptitiously on book. We see that script on your desk, masquerading as papers, Madam. Perhaps once the actors find their feet, the whole thing will be faster and lighter, and the diplomats in the audience won’t be the only ones guffawing.
The Corn Belt meets the Beltway when Valerie Butts makes up her mind to get back to the hub of power from which she was dumped abruptly when her powerful senator husband first lost his seat then died campaigning to get it back. That left her in Union, Illinois, far out where the prairie meets the horizon, or as she sees it, in the middle of Purgatory. She decides she wants to be an ambassador and believes she still has the connections to do it. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t. We watch her try.
Cast and Setting
Valerie Butts: She is middle-aged, conservatively well dressed, and well spoken. She grew up in Chicago’s fashionable North Shore suburbs and was educated in private Eastern schools. Shortly after college graduation she married an upward-bound politician who soon became a senator. She became used to living in high-powered Washington circles, but the senator’s defeat, then death, left her in a small prairie town.
Buzz Butts: He is Valerie’s second husband, and he, too, is middle-aged, but a good cut below her on the socio-economic scale. Except for a tour in the Marines and a cruise he took to get over a divorce, he spent all his life on Chicago’s West Side until he met Valerie. He has spent much of his life managing a gymnasium and was once an amateur boxer.
Gumpston: He is a small town activist and political party operative who is moving higher in non-elective politics. He is eager, almost over-eager, to gain recognition for his work.
Gretta: She is a maid in the home of the Danish Minister of Sport and Recreation. She is sometimes casual about what is hers and what is not and can be quite brazen about it.
Leon Strummer: He is a high-powered Washington lawyer, sometimes holding high office, sometimes acting behind the scenes, but always a major player in power circles. He is profane, arrogant, and abrasive.
Mr. Ryan’s real name is Henry Butterfield Ryan. He joined the Foreign Service in 1961. He served with the U.S. Information Agency for 25 years in Brazil, Norway, Australia, and Washington. USIA sponsored him for an academic year at Harvard where he earned a Master’s degree in Public Administration (M.P.A.). Later, he went on leave without pay to get a Ph.D. in diplomatic history at Cambridge University. He returned to USIA afterwards and subsequently retired in 1986. He is the author of several books and plays.
- Don’t name your sibling charge d’affaires and other zero warranty advice for the road (diplopundit.net)
- Obama Handing Out Ambassadorships To Top Donors And Friends, Just Like His Predecessors (outsidethebeltway.com)
- Lights! Camera! Action!: Which D.C. Neighborhoods Get the Capital Fringe Treatment? (dc.curbed.com)
✪ By Domani Spero
We have previously hosted Raymond Maxwell’s poem in this blog (see Raymond Maxwell: Former Deputy Asst Secretary Removed Over Benghazi Pens a Poem). That was quite a riot.
What do you think about when you’re taking mortar rounds?
“Baghdad Nights” which originally appeared in FB and published here with Mr. Maxwell’s permission will not be quite so controversial but it stands out as a poem of stoic calm amidst the chaos of war.
We particularly like its auditory images which gives the poem a sense of place but also a sense of that specific moment in time. A poem of faith or in a fatalistic sense of whatever will be, will be. A total acceptance of what is unknowable. An inner freedom from fear in the face of a disorderly and dangerous external world.
According to his LinkdIn profile, Mr. Maxwell served in foreign service assignments in Guinea-Bissau, the U.K., Angola, Ghana, Egypt, Iraq and Syria. In a previous 12-year career with the U.S. Navy, he “served division officer tours (auxiliary engineering and weapons systems) aboard the guided missile destroyer, USS Luce DDG-38 and enlisted engineering tours as a machinist’s mate on nuclear-powered submarines the USS Hammerhead SSN-663 and the USS Michigan SSBN-727 (B).”
© By Raymond Maxwell
It was a long-assed day.
We had dinner at the DFAC
and returned to the office.
Finally knocked off around 9pm.
The mandatory protective vest
weighs heavy on my already tired shoulders –
while the strap connecting the two sides
cuts into my waist as I try to balance
the weight on my already tired hips –
I lumber on to my tin-foil hootch
in Embassy Estates on the
the Republican Palace grounds…
It is late. I take a shower and
turn on Fox News,
the only station that works.
“In California today, Senator Clinton says
President Johnson was more important
than Dr. King to getting the Civil Rights Bill
passed.” Aw shit. White House better stay white.
I fall asleep while reading “Certain to Win,”
one of those Army War College texts
from the Strategic Studies Masters program
I was falling further and further behind in
with each passing Baghdad day.
2am. The witching hour.
Time for target practice.
I’m awakened by the sound
of the Duck and Cover alarm.
The concrete reinforced shelter is 100 meters
away from my tin-foil hootch –
100 meters as the crow flies…
Nope. I’ll sit this one out – and pray –
Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! The alarm
sounds. I hear people stumbling,
some drunkenly staggering –
to the safety of the shelter.
I shelter in place and
start my usual prayer
(I skip a lot of drills these days):
The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want.
He maketh me ….
A mortar round flies over
the tin foil roof
of my tin foil hootch –
….lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me
beside the Still Waters….–
The round hits the nearby ground.
Maybe it is another dud.
I continue my prayer:
….He restoreth my soul —
It was not a dud.
But I pinch myself and
I am not dead.
I finish my prayer:
And I will dwell in the House of the Lord,
Back to sleep.
Tomorrow is another Baghdad day.
- 9 civilians killed, 34 injured in Baghdad last night (iraqinews.com)
- Policeman killed, 2 others injured western Baghdad (iraqinews.com)
- 13 killed in bomb blast at Sunni mosque in Baghdad (foxnews.com)
- Iraq: Blast at Sunni Mosque in Baghdad Kills 11 (abcnews.go.com)
- Suicide bomber attacks crowded café in northern Iraq killing at least 38 (telegraph.co.uk)
- Five killed in Iraq violence (vancouverdesi.com)
- Roadside bombs kill 14, injure 49 in Iraq (wdsu.com)
— By Domani Spero
*You Might Be in the Foreign Service If…
√ The sound of packing tape makes you cringe.
√ Every time you stay in a hotel, the kids ask if it is their new home.
√ You look at everything you want to buy with a view to: A., how much does it weigh and B., will it explode without a transformer.
√ When you return home, you have a nervous breakdown in Walmart because there are too many choices.
√ You come back to the States for home leave and your 3-year-old yells, “Look, Mama, they have McDonald’s in AMERICA, too!”
Every day, somewhere in the world, one or more of the 13, 787 Foreign Service employees and unknown numbers of family members are in the process of moving. The largest rotation often happens during the summer transfer season, typically after school is out. This is one of the most stressful part of the Foreign Service, one that we don’t think ever gets easier with time.
If you want to know what moving is like every few years, pick up The Foreign Service Companion Moving Your Household Without Losing Your Mind. This is a 180-page book divided into five sections: The Big Picture;The Nitty-Gritty; Kids, Pets, and Moving; When Things Go Off-Script and Taking Care of Ourselves.
Eva Groening, a 30-year veteran of FS life with seven consumables posts writes that “moving begins, at least in your mind, the day you learn you will be leaving “here” and going “there.” Then this gem:
“Barter is a wonderful thing – some roach killer for a few tubes of toothpaste? A box of corn starch for a package of chocolate chips? I treat expiration dates as mere suggestions, but bulging cans go in the trash immediately.
Ana Gabriela Turner, a spouse who naturalized in 2012 writes about foreign born spouses: culture shock particularly for those moving to the United States, the naturalization process, to work or not to work and other challenges. She forgot to add obtaining a driver’s license as one of the necessities for foreign born spouses navigating their new lives in the United States.
Ed Dyer is part of a trailing household currently assigned to Harare, Zimbabwe writes about the Azimuth Check, a bearing point or why you need that home leave.
Danielle Dumm, a traveling, writing, shutterbug mama currently in New Delhi, India writes that storing your household’s most important documents and most treasured media in digital form has never been easier and tells you How to Digitize Your Life.
FSO Janet Heg from US Embassy Kabul writes about Packing for an Unaccompanied Tour, what to put in your “Go Bag” and passes on an advice for “shoes that are not only comfortable but also allow you to run in an emergency.”
Michele Hopper, a mom of four who “lives by a well-stocked pantry” writes about Shopping for Consumables and advises readers that “A full pantry of familiar foods eases even the most difficult day.” True dat. Also, how can one not enjoy having a grocery store in your very own home?
FSO Sadie Dworak writes about losing her faithful 10-year-old shih tzu, Hattie during her assignment to Saudi Arabia. A heart-wrenching experience at home but particularly overseas where so many things can go wrong.
Then there’s Public Diplomacy Officer Marlene Monfiletto Nice’s Packing Out is Hard to Do to the tune of Neil Sedaka’s “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.”
Don’t take my plates away from me, My pots and pans, my cutlery,
Got more entertaining to do,
And packing makes it hard to do.
Remember when we first arrived,
It took so long to get the house just right, Now I can’t wait to start anew,
But packing up is hard to do.
But our favorite contribution is hands down, The Slacker’s Guide to Moving by “Ima Spouse Oh”
An international move could be compared to a hurricane: You know it’s coming, you look at maps and worry, and you do the best you can to get ready, whether that means securing patio furniture or downing huge tropical drinks.
The list of things that you “should do” before a move can darken your mood faster than a chocolate shortage. For instance, the first chapter of the State Department’s Foreign Service Assignment Notebook fills 13 pages with preparation suggestions.
This Slacker is here to tell you that you can skip pretty much every- thing in that chapter and still arrive at your destination. In many cases, spending more hours on your move will not actually result in a better experience at post.
Somebody described this book like having folks over and chatting about packouts. If so, then we’d all be happy to have jugs of coffee with EFM, ‘Ima Spouse Oh’ and her pearls of wisdom. Do you know that you can have things moved in “as-is” condition? “Yes, the trusty toaster oven arrived complete with crumbs and blotches of melted cheese.”
We had a full laundry basket and a trash can moved in “as-in” condition. Both survived the transfer.
Looking for work before you get to post? Forgetaboutit. “All of the local work Ms. Spouse Oh eventually found was obtained once she started meeting people face-to-face. She decided to change from a job “hunter” to a job “gatherer”: The work is sitting there, she just has to show up in the right place and load it into her basket!”
Mrs. ‘Ima Spouse Oh’ is also huge on delegation, unless “it’s too much effort:” “Ask the movers to unpack the boxes. Claim you have to work and let your spouse handle everything…. Go on vacation and let the Foreign Service officer in the family manage the move –that’s what would happen if he/she were single anyhow! Just promise not to complain about how things were done if you did not help do them.”
The only thing missing in this book is when a spouse is ditched by the FSO overseas, and how that packout in the midst of a separation or a divorce can be extremely messy.
The Associates of the American Foreign Service Worldwide (AAFSW) has put together this Foreign Service Companion Moving Your Household Without Losing Your Mind. The book edited by Kelly Bembry Midura and Zoe Cabaniss Friloux. Kelly blogs at wellthatwasdifferent.wordpress.com. The editors and authors are volunteers. Your purchase will benefit the programs of the AAFSW. We understand that this is part one of a series planned for publication, we look forward to the rest of the books in the series.
*You Might Be in the Foreign Service If… excerpted from the book.
Been working on a draft of a fictional story set at Earth Embassy Ganymede. It’ll be like any diplomatic mission complete with intrigues, gossip, romance, and all the deadly sins. Anyway, this is part of the story where the embassy in Ganymede is suffering from some bad press and low morale. So the embassy’s senior management adviser released the following admin notice.
Earth Embassy Ganymede
Administrative Notice #05-011300: Morale
It has come to management’s attention that there has been a lot of chatter and hyperspace email about morale and safety at this outpost. This notice serves as a reminder to everyone under Ganymede outpost authority that discussion about morale is an unproductive use of work time. Morale is self-esteem in action; individuals who perceived that morale is lacking may need help in improving their self-esteem. Please make every effort to schedule an appointment to see the quadrant psychiatrist.
Ganymede management fully believes, like the 34th American President Dwight Eisenhower, that the best morale exist when you never hear the word mentioned. In that sprit, management formally informs all departments and employees that morale is not/not an issue and is not/not a subject to be discussed in hypermail, text, video, radio, verbal or any alternate manner of communication within and outside the mission. Anyone caught peddling these stories will be subject to disciplinary action, including but not limited to curtailment of current assignment or a lengthy TDY to the outermost prograde moon of Carpo.
In an effort to be responsive to all concerns, below are some FAQs that the section had the pleasure of addressing the last 12 moons. We hope that the answers are useful to you and your families and help alleviate persistent concerns.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Is Ganymede a family-friendly post?
Absolutely. It is the most family-friendly assignment in the quadrant with excellent schools and some of the best apartments available in the sector. Living conditions are approximated to be similar to the home planet and the quality of life is super-excellent. Consistent demand for assignments to this outpost has repeatedly resulted in a long wait list at every rotation cycle.
I’ve been thinking of asking for a transfer to Ganymede. But I heard that life there is a big joke … I don’t get what’s the joke.
Life in Ganymede is not/not a big joke. Once you understand that Ganymede is too big to fail, you’ll find your groove. This is the place where you want to be. No other outpost will afford you the challenges and opportunities to excel and earn a fast-tracked promotion.
How safe is Ganymede given that riots are breaking out in all parts of the hostplanet:
Safe. Very safe, if you’re careful.
Ganymedeans breached the outpost walls, they can do it again, should I worry?
There’s no reason to worry. Ganymedeans are not/not anti-Earthlings, anti-humans or what have you. They were blowing off steam. Period. Now that they have, things should return to normal. If you think things have not returned to normal, give it time; things should return to normal. Soon.
There are assaults reported daily, it sounds like traveling around the hostplanet has become extremely dangerous. Is that perception correct?
Ganymede is the largest moon in this sector. Like any large, densely inhabited city on Earth (e.g. New York City, New Delhi, Bogota, Buenos Aires), crime is ever present. This is not/not unique to this outpost. Travel in pairs if needed, and bring your stun gun, if necessary.
The Manager for Planetary Services reportedly quit over extreme bureaucratic bullying, is this true?
Absolutely not. The manager quit because the official got too old for the job. Other employers in this sector throw old officials out the airlock. Fortunately, EaEmbassy Ganymede has a generous separation package specifically for older workers traveling back to the home planet.
There are rumors and allegations that some of the top Ganymede officials have, on several occasions, pushed and bossed around subordinates and threatened them with penalties. How accurate are these stories?
Have you ever heard of American poet, Robert Frost? He said that the reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. Isn’t that an excellent point? Stop listening to rumors. Stop worrying. All our top Ganymede officials were handpicked and subjected to a battery of reviews and 360 feedbacks from friends, peers, and colleagues. All with spectacular results. They are all as lovable and huggable as Alaskan polar bears.
I used to have an open mind, then I got to Ganymede and my brains kept falling out. What am I doing wrong?
To keep an open mind, a person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape. This works even in Ganymede.
I am terribly upset that my concerns have not been taken seriously. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
The management office works hard to address all of your concerns and aims to make every assignment to Ganymede a satisfying one. Unfortunately, all laser printer at post at this time do not have a stun setting. However, the procurement section is exploring the possibility of adding a stun setting to all laser printers with end of year funding.
Note that this is from a work in progress. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Morale is self-esteem in action, is a quote by Avery Weisman; WD-40 and laser printer quips are found items around the net.
I was, by the way, thinking of writing a complete set of Space Affairs Manual (SAM) and Space Affairs Handbook (SAH) for my fictional diplomatic service, but that sounded crazy, even to me. So I may stick with writing a collection of admin notices and cables that can be interspersed with the story. Hey, if I write a story using admin notices alone, would that fall under an epistolary novel category?
Ugh! Just saw that the Russians are interested on Ganymede, now. Well, dammit, I am not changing my fictional embassy’s name again, so don’t write to complain about that.
- Mission to Ganymede more tricky than expected (spacedaily.com)
- Volcanoes on Jupiter’s Moon Io Are All Wrong, NASA Says (space.com)
- Mars vs. Europa: Are we looking in the wrong place for alien life? (cosmiclog.nbcnews.com)
- NASA Joins Europe for Exploration of Jupiter’s Icy Moons: Europa, Ganymede and Callisto (dailygalaxy.com)
- NASA Joins Europe for Exploration of Jupiter’s Icy Moons: Europa, Ganymede and Callisto (vineoflife.net)
- Ambitious Mission to Jupiter’s Icy Moons Gets Science Instruments (space.com)
- Russian Jupiter mission to get first funds (updatednews.ca)
Tom Engelhardt has a piece on How to Forget on Memorial Day (excerpt):
Afghanistan has often enough been called “the graveyard of empires.” Americans have made it a habit to whistle past that graveyard, looking the other way—a form of obliviousness much aided by the fact that the American war dead conveniently come from the less well known or forgotten places in our country. They are so much easier to ignore thanks to that.
Except in their hometowns, how easy the war dead are to forget in an era when corporations go to war but Americans largely don’t. So far, 1,980 American military personnel (and significant but largely unacknowledged numbers of private contractors) have died in Afghanistan, as have 1,028 NATO and allied troops, and (despite U.N. efforts to count them) unknown but staggering numbers of Afghans.
So far in the month of May, 22 American dead have been listed in those Pentagon announcements. If you want a little memorial to a war that shouldn’t be, check out their hometowns and you’ll experience a kind of modern graveyard poetry. Consider it an elegy to the dead of second- or third-tier cities, suburbs, and small towns whose names are resonant exactly because they are part of your country, but seldom or never heard by you.
I did check out the hometowns and I’ve never heard of Normangee, Texas. According to the 2000 Census, Normangee is a town of 719 people, 277 households, and 185 families.
Sgt. Wade D. Wilson, of Normangee, Texas, died May 11 while conducting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 2nd Battalion, 5th Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Pendleton, California. He was 22.
But even as we pulled out our troops in Iraq, and combat operations are planned to end in Afghanistan in 2014, the next operation is one with no easy exit.
Excerpt from Probably Not the Final Destination by Dale Ritterbusch (WLA. Volume 23 • 2011):
Fall semester, second week of class, a student stays after:
his field jacket, his scruffy beard
tell the story. I don’t know if you have noticed,
he says, but when I answer your questions
sometimes I lose my line of thought
and I stumble a bit trying to find it again.
I tell him the lie I hadn’t noticed, but his speech,
slurred, slowed, gives it away—a sergeant,
twenty-seven months in Iraq. My wife thinks
I have PTSD he says. Every class he stays after,
and there’s little I can say, little I can do
except listen: maybe there’s little anyone can do,
that old lesson we never seem to learn,
moving from “costly their winestream”
to the “red, sweet wine of youth”:
enough there to embarrass half the demons of hell.
At night the NewsHour runs pictures
of the dead, name, rank, hometown flashing,
holding, silently across the screen—the first man just eighteen.
We might remember Urien’s lament: “I bear a great
warrior’s skull; I bear a head at my heart.”
Or has war’s paradigm so changed
Urien’s progeny may now swear,
“I bear the dead, the half-dead
in my half-dead skull; I bear
the dead in my half-dead heart.”
The last of our combat brigades departed Iraq in August 2010. In eight months, the US State Department will assume responsibility for training the Iraqi police. Staffing at the US Embassy in Baghdad currently at 8,000 is expected to grow in the coming year to about 17,000 people, the vast majority of whom will be contractors. Yes, in this jobless economy, there are still jobs. In Iraq.
In Capitol Hill on February 16, Defense Secretary Robert Gates says Iraq will face major security “problems” if U.S. troops leave the country by the end of this year as planned.
Over in Iraq, Baghdad’s city government demands an apology and $1 billion for the damage done to the city not by bombs but by blast walls and Humvees since the U.S.-led invasion that toppled Saddam Hussein. Via Reuters: “The U.S. forces changed this beautiful city to a camp in an ugly and destructive way, which reflected deliberate ignorance and carelessness about the simplest forms of public taste,” the statement said.
“Due to the huge damage, leading to a loss the Baghdad municipality cannot afford…we demand the American side apologize to Baghdad’s people and pay back these expenses.”
On money matters, the FY2012 budget proposal includes a total U.S. government Overseas Contingency Operations (OCO) effort in Iraq at $15.7 billion. Billions.
Meanwhile the US debt continues ticking on like the energizer bunny. Every citizen, including my minor son now carries over $45,000 as his share of the US national debt.
Amidst all this, Rafid Ahmed Alwan al-Janabi – codenamed Curveball by the CIA – surfaced recently and gave an interview to the Guardian where he explains why he lied about Saddam’s chemical weapons capability. His false claims were quoted at the UN by former secretary of state Colin Powell and used to help justify the Iraq war.
Here is Curveball’s video.
The source was an eyewitness, an Iraqi chemical engineer who supervised one of these facilities. He actually was present during biological agent production runs. He was also at the site when an accident occurred in 1998. Twelve technicians died from exposure to biological agents.
He reported that when UNSCOM was in country and inspecting, the biological weapons agent production always began on Thursdays at midnight because Iraq thought UNSCOM would not inspect on the Muslim Holy Day, Thursday night through Friday. He added that this was important because the units could not be broken down in the middle of a production run, which had to be completed by Friday evening before the inspectors might arrive again.
This defector is currently hiding in another country with the certain knowledge that Saddam Hussein will kill him if he finds him. His eyewitness account of these mobile production facilities has been corroborated by other sources.
Curveball now admits to WMD lies that triggered the Iraq war; he ‘invented’ tales of bio-weapons, reportedly to try to bring down Saddam Hussein.
Curveball must be quite a political strategist to pull this off, or the intelligence communities here and across the pond should be awarded 400-lb medals for being great suckers to this Iraqi fantasist trying to topple Saddam.
It won’t surprise me if Curveball will also get away with a ghost written book contract. No more allowance and free car from his adopted state, he needs to sell something … like …. a book! After all, just about everyone is this sorry episode, has already hawked their books on teevee and online. Why not Curveball?
Here is Curveball, a freedom fighter in the sly:
“Believe me, there was no other way to bring about freedom to Iraq. There were no other possibilities.”
“Saddam did not [allow] freedom in our land. There are no other political parties. You have to believe what Saddam says, and do what Saddam wants. And I don’t accept that. I have to do something for my country. So I did this and I am satisfied, because there is no dictator in Iraq any more.”
As can be expected, old history becomes new again. And a serious ink fight has broken among the “formers,” which is quite maddening to watch.
The Guardian reports that Curveball’s admissions vindicate the suspicions of CIA’s former Europe chief:
“My impression was always that his reporting was done in January and February,” said Drumheller, adding that he had been warned well before 2003 by his counterparts in the German secret service (BND) that Curveball might not be reliable. “We didn’t know if it was true. We knew there were real problems with it and there were inconsistencies.”
He passed on this information to the head of the CIA, George Tenet, he said, and yet Curveball’s testimony still made it into Colin Powell’s famous February 2003 speech justifying an invasion. “Right up to the night of Powell’s speech, I said, don’t use that German reporting because there’s a problem with that,” said Drumheller. “[Curveball] recanting doesn’t really change that. It just makes me feel better. It confirms what we found at the time.”
He recalled a conversation he had with John McLaughlin, then the CIA’s deputy director. “The week before the speech, I talked to the Deputy McLaughlin, and someone says to him, ‘Tyler’s worried that Curveball might be a fabricator.’ And McLaughlin said, ‘Oh, I hope not, because this is really all we have.’ And I said, and I’ve got to be honest with you, I said: ‘You’ve got to be kidding? This is all we have!’ “
According to the Guardian, the ex-German foreign minister Joschka Fischer also accused the former CIA chief George Tenet over his knowledge of Iraqi defector’s sketchy background. Mr. Fischer by the way, also has a new autobiography, I Am Not Convinced.
On February 16, 2011, George Tenet, former Director of the CIA, citing recent press accounts about “Curve Ball” says in his website that “The handling of this matter is certainly a textbook case of how not to deal with defector provided material. But the latest reporting of the subject repeats and amplifies a great deal of misinformation about the case. In order to provide some perspective, the following excerpt if from my 2007 memoir “At the Center of the Storm” and offers additional detail that the media continue to ignore.”
Excerpt from his book:
If Drumheller or anyone had brought to John McLaughlin or me these doubts about Curve Ball’s credibility, let alone his sanity, we would have gone to great lengths immediately to resolve the matter. Unfortunately, the first either of us learned of Tyler Drumheller’s lunch with the German BND official and of the latter’s supposed warnings—and his refusal to stand publicly behind them—was when we were interviewed by the Silberman- Robb Commission as it prepared its March 2005 report, two years too late to do a damn thing about it.
On January 27, 2003, right before the Powell UN speech, our man in Germany sent another cable, this one expressing his own reservations about the source. He did so because he had received no response to his December 20 cable. Curve Ball’s reporting was problematic, he said, and should be relied on only after “most serious consideration.” This cable, too, went to Drumheller for action. In the three days and nights we sat at headquarters working on the secretary’s speech, nobody ever told us of our senior man in Germany’s reservations or of the letter from the BND chief.
My successor, Porter Goss, asked his staff to run down the Curve Ball story. They found in 2005 that the letter, located in the European Division, had not been formally logged in as received. Despite extensive searching, no records have been found that the letter was sent to either John McLaughlin or me.
Sounds like a game of Drumheler, Drumheller, tell me who is IT?
Oh, dear god, all that money for the intel folks and they could not do a simple log in of an important piece of communication? And why is Mr. Tenet “talking” for both himself and John McLaughlin as if they were joined at the hip? Mr. McLaughlin should get a chance to write his own book, no?
The US was duped. Deceived. The most powerful country in the world, with billions allocated to intelligence, was tricked and outsmarted by Curveball?
Did the USA “allow” itself to be duped? That is the $3 trillion plus dollar question (counting the future med/health expenditures for all war vets). Anyone? Anyone?
So now, Colin Powell is reported to have demanded answers over Curveball’s WMD lies. The former US Secretary of State is asking why the CIA failed to warn him over Iraqi defector who has admitted fabricating WMD evidence.
And on and on it goes …
He said vs. he said vs. who said vs. drat said vs. enough said!
And this is giving me a mighty headache.
Here’s what confuses me …
We used taxpayer’s money to investigate a small blue dress and presidential sexual indiscretion. Fine. But we don’t have the balls to examine how we got into Iraq? Not fine.
Our elected officials who served the American public should be publicly answerable for their actions. After all, aren’t they the servants of the people? Wouldn’t it be the honorable thing to do to stand up and be accountable for your actions instead of writing self serving books?
Colin Powell demands an explanation. What he should do is call for an Iraq War Truth Commission and volunteer as its first witness.
There are 4,754 reasons why.
And they’re all dead.